Principle #4: Let Your Partner Influence You

When Jesse and I met, I was a vegetarian. At first he just accepted it as part of my lifestyle and who I was, but as we got more and more serious and began talking about marriage it became apparent that we were not on the same page. Heated discussions began to arise as we talked about what this would mean for raising kids sometime in the future. Would I cook meat for the kids or would I be strict about what was eaten in the house? What would we teach our children about food? There were days that I worried our relationship wouldn’t work out. I really liked this guy but if he couldn’t accept something I was passionate about how could we make a marriage work?

Eventually we agreed to disagree and left it at that. Fast forward a year or so when we were one month into marriage. I became extremely sick and upon going to the doctor they told me that the reason I was struggling was because I was a vegetarian. I made the changes and started getting better slowly. Well now 2 years later and after lots of research I decided to go vegan and I feel way better! At first I faced some of the same arguments with Jesse as I did being vegetarian but we figured out our balance much faster. Although he’s not vegan by any means he happily eats whatever I make and is always willing to try a new recipe. But I’m sure you’re wondering, what does this story have to do with the lesson?

Disclaimer!

I shared my vegan story to illustrate how letting your partner influence you can benefit your relationship. I’m so grateful that Jesse was willing to listen through many discussions, eventually letting me influence his opinion of veganism. Because of that compromise we are both eating healthier than ever! Now, I’m not saying that this lesson is all about getting your husband to listen to you. There have been many times throughout my marriage where I have needed to humble myself and let Jesse influence me. However, with that being said we know that women are more likely to accept influence from their partner than men. So my disclaimer is that this is not an excuse to men bash! Wives can do the same to their husbands and it takes two to make a good marriage. So whether you are the husband or wife, applying these principles to yourself can help your marriage.

Does Letting Your Partner Influence You Really Affect Your Marriage?

Dr. Gottman studied 130 newly-weds over 8 years and found that “...even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives’ influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” (pg. 100). But what does letting your partner influence you actually mean? What does it look like?

The Reality or Letting Your Partner Influence You

Letting your partner influence you doesn’t mean letting them run your life. It’s not about giving up all personal power and just being subject to your partners whims. It’s not just saying “Yes dear” to everything. The influencing comes as you take feelings and opinions of the other person into account in decision making. For example, Jesse and I like very different games. Jesse likes strategy games and I like games of chance that don’t require much thought. This makes it hard whenever we want to have a game night. We let each other have influence as we compromise on which games to play. Over time I have become more willing to play strategy styles games because I know how much it means to Jesse for me to be involved. Knowing his love of games helps me to make different decisions and this is how allowing your spouse to influence you works!  This was a very trivial example but I want you to think about what your spouse values? How have you let these values influence you?

What to Watch Out For

Letting your spouse influence you isn’t always easy however. There may be road blocks in your journey to accept each other’s influence. The dangers come when one or both partners resist influence from the other. Now this doesn’t mean that there can’t or won’t be disagreements. Marriage can survive some anger and complaints. Accepting influence doesn’t mean never having any negative feelings toward your spouse but it does mean working through your disagreements and coming together.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, men are most likely to resist influence from their wives. This often happens because they respond with a higher level of negativity than their spouse during conflict. Women actually have a natural tendency to match or decrease tension. According to Gottman, “The problem comes when even mild dissatisfaction on the wife’s part is met by a barrage from her husband that, instead of toning down or at the most matching her degree of negativity (yelling back, complaining, etc.), goes beyond it” (Gottman, 1999, pg. 105).

The key to all of this is a change in attitude. How you feel about your spouse and the respect you have for them will build your desire to receive their influence. It takes time and practice because it is a skill to develop.

So here's your challenge.

Below is a short questionnaire about how well you accept your partner’s influence. These questions will help you look at what areas you succeed in and where you might be struggling. A majority of letting your spouse influence you depends on the way you see them. Do you consider them responsible to make decisions or do feel like you have to guide them every step of the way? Answer each question honestly and score yourself in the end. This is a great starting point for your journey in applying this principle. Good luck!

**Also we would greatly appreciate your feedback on these lessons! Have they been helpful? What could we have done better? To make this as simple as possible we have a short 60 second survey, just click on this link!

Accepting Influence Questionnaire
Answer the following questions True or False:

1. I am really interested in my spouse's opinions on our basic issues.
2. I usually learn a lot from my spouse even when we disagree.
3. I want my partner to feel that what he or she says really counts with me.
4. I generally want my spouse to feel influential in this marriage.
5. I can listen to my partner but only up to a point.
6. My partner has a lot of basic common sense.
7. I try to communicate respect even during our disagreements.
8. If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out.
9. I don't reject my spouse's opinions out of hand.
10. My partner is not rational enough to take seriously when we discuss our issues.
11. I believe in lots of give and take in our discussions.
12. I am very persuasive and usually can win arguments with my spouse.
13. I feel I have important say when we make decisions.
14. My partner has good ideas.
15. My partner is basically a great help as a problem solver.
16. I try to listen respectfully, even when I disagree.
17. My ideas for solutions are usually much better than my spouse's.
18. I can usually find something to agree with my partner's position.
19. My partner is usually too emotional.
20. I am the one who needs to make the major decisions in this marriage.

Scoring:

1. Give yourself one point for each “true” answer, except for questions 5, 8, 10,12, 17, 19, 20.
2. Subtract one point for each “true” answer to questions 5, 8, 10, 12, 17, 19, 20.

6 or above: This is an area of strength in your marriage. You willingly cede power to your spouse, a hallmark of an emotionally intelligent marriage.

Below 6: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. You are having some difficulty accepting influence from your spouse, which can cause a marriage to become dangerously unstable. The first step in righting the situation is to understand just what it means to accept influence.

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References
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press