Lesson #6: Create Shared Meaning
Just last night my husband and I were talking while taking a short trip to Taco Bell. Almost out of the blue he mentioned that we should teach our children how to budget. As of right now we don’t have any children, but we have always planned to have a family. We dove into a deep discussion about ways we could teach children how to handle money and in turn build good strong family relationships. How involved would they be in the finances? What philosophies did we want them to learn about money? Together we were building a small piece of our family vision as a couple; we were creating shared meaning.
Creating shared meaning is about building an identity. In an article entitled, "Today's Married Couples: Alone Together?" the author describes what creating an identity means by saying, "Healthy couple identity means there is me, you, and us. There are three identities. All three matter and all are honored in how we go through life together." Creating a shared identity doesn't mean becoming some sort of conjoined twin with the same brain. You are inevitably going to disagree about one thing or another, whether its over something serious or insignificant. This disagreement is good and helps you to solve problems together with solutions you wouldn’t have come up with on your own. By having values and beliefs that are shared in your marriage, you are going to create a strong foundation for the future.
It starts with spending time together
In the book Alone Together: How Marriage in America Is Changing, Amato and his colleagues tell us that, “Couples in 2000 were substantially less likely than couples in 1980 to eat together, visit friends together, go out for leisure activities together, or work on projects around the house together.” If couples are not spending time together, how are they creating shared meaning? For example, if my husband and I hadn’t taken our trip to Taco Bell and just stayed at home playing on our phones we wouldn’t have put together that new puzzle piece in our family vision. It all starts with having meaningful conversations, and that takes time.
I know that sometimes it can be hard to start a deep conversation. Jesse and I are constantly running into the “what should we talk about” dilemma. But, often times it just takes an idea to spark a great discussion. Don’t be afraid to look up lists of questions online that you can ask your spouse. They are easily accessible with a quick google search.
But why build shared meaning?
Gottman argues that “the more shared meaning you can find, the deeper, richer, and more rewarding your relationship will be. Along the way you’ll also be strengthening your marital friendship. This in turn will make it even easier to cope with any conflicts that crop up” (pg. 246). Who doesn’t want that in their marriage?
Ways to build shared meaning
Making this rewarding relationship takes work however. It may even require you to set aside some time to really discuss with your partner. So, here’s three ways you can create more shared meaning in your marriage.
- Find a dream or vision that you share together and talk about it. As you begin to build a more shared perspective of things that are meaningful, the bumps in the road will have less of an impact on your relationship. You will begin to feel like a team. It can become you and your spouse against the world, instead of feeling like it’s you against each other. Talking about these visions helps to solidify them and make sure you’re on the same page. It builds connection and intimacy as you turn toward each other rather than away (see Lesson #3). This is your opportunity to create something amazing together! One way to do this is by creating a family motto to say or hang on the wall.
- Create regular rituals. These rituals will help you carve out the time together for talking about your family vision. Maybe it’s having a weekly date night or just talking together each morning or night over a cup of tea. Rituals are something to be tailor-designed by you to fit your needs as well as your schedule. Whatever it is though, make sure it is meaningful to both of you. (For more details on rituals, see Lesson #2).
- Start implementing your shared goals. This is where you really start working toward your vision together. For example, since Jesse and I have a goal to teach our children how to be responsible with money we keep our own regular budget. We can talk about teaching whatever we want to our kids, but if we aren’t living it ourselves then it won’t be as powerful. What shared goals do you want to implement? Maybe you and your spouse value generosity so you donate money to charities regularly. Or, perhaps it’s really important to the both of you to have family dinner every night. Whatever it is start working on it. Make a plan and go for it! You’ll be glad you did.
I hope you take this as a challenge to complete and work on continually throughout your marriage. I know I feel much closer to my husband when we are regularly discussing and acting on our shared vision. No matter where you are at right now remember that there is always space to build together. The possibilities are endless!
CREATE A VISION TOGETHER
If you liked this post, please go and read the other 5 lessons. Each one has great principles to constantly improve your marriage. Also we would love your feedback on what you thought. To make it as simple as possible we have a short 60 second survey, just click on this link!
Also if you want more resources on the topic of creating shared meaning here is a questionnaire from Gottman (pg. 246-249) to help you get a sense of how well you and your partner create a sense of shared meaning in your lives. Feel free to print off this PDF and fill it out by yourself or with your spouse.
References
Amato, P. R. (2007). Alone together: How marriage in America is changing. Harvard University Press.
Gaspard, T. (2015) 4 ways creating shared meaning can improve your marriage. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/terry-gaspard-msw-licsw/shared-meaning-can-improve-your-marriage_b_6149278.html
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press
Stanley, S. (2014). Today’s married couples: Alone together? Retrieved from https://ifstudies.org/blog/todays-married-couples-alone-together
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