A Day With Depression ~

I'm guessing you want to understand depression better. Either because you struggle with it, or because someone you care for struggles with it. Depression can be hard to deal with because sometimes you don't know how to support the person who is struggling, or, you are struggling, and don't know how to support yourself. And if this is you, you probably turn to isolation, rather than support, which makes it impossible for anyone to reach you.

It's hard to write about Things like this, because I want you to think I'm perfect. ;) But the truth is, I can help you if  I'm relatable, so I'll let you see that I'm not perfect. ;) 

Here's a story that might help you understand me, and people like me, a little better...:)

For one thing...depression is not an everyday thing. Not for me anyways. Sometimes, I feel totally normal, and sometimes totally strange. Monday was strange, Tuesday was the best day ever...

Today was strange. I came home from class. I planned to eat and then study. As I started eating, I didn't want to do it. I lost all desire for food. (it's common for me to lose my appetite when I feel depressed). I forfeited, and went to take a 20 minute nap. (usually, I just hit the books, but I felt down, and less motivated, so I chose to sleep). I knew something was off. I didn't feel my usual, fireball, motivated, stay on campus and socialize, workaholic self. After 10 minutes of unsuccessfully trying to sleep, I got up to get to work. For some reason I was feeling super sad, and didn't want my roommates to see me (I only like to see them if I can make their day better.) Feeling a bit ashamed of myself, and not wanting to darken anyone elses day. I hid under my bed and tried to study where no one could see me. (Yes, I just admitted to that) After awhile, I REALLY didn't want to come out, but  I had to pee, so I was forced to. I went in the bathroom and washed my hands. There was something about feeling WARM water on my hands that helped. It was like something was taking away all the loneliness, and warming my heart, so of course, I couldn't stop doing it. Then, I started brushing my hair, for not particular reason. I just wanted to feel it, and see how long it was, and feel grateful for something. (both of these practices are mindfulness techniques, but I did them without even thinking) My roommate asked what was wrong.  I said "nothing." When I feel this way, I'm ashamed, and don't want to talk. She left, and tears began streaming down my cheeks. I felt so sad, and now  I cant even remember why. I went in  my room and began balling. This is the week that I came home from my mission one year ago. I remembered how bad I felt for not being able to stay. I remember feeling so overwhelmed that the depression sunk me down to a point where I felt I couldn't work anymore. But of course, I didn't view it this way. I said to myself" you are just lazy, and don't want to be a missionary. That's why you're depressed." Then, I felt the same feelings today. "You are just lazy, and don't want to do your homework because it is hard." That's why you're depressed. But that is not true. I am NOT LAZY. I am extremely motivated and productive. I know that about myself. But the thing is...Satan WILL kick you when you're down, so of course I felt like my flaws were the cause of my heartache. Then I felt these words in my mind"Why are you wasting God's use of creation? He wants people who will work hard all the time. He doesn't want you." And I continued to ball. It almost felt like a panic attack because my breathing was so sporadic, and then in an attempt to get myself out of the mood  I started thinking about all the tasks I had to accomplish. I began cleaning the bathroom, I swept the kitchen, I let the tasks numb me. It always works. That's why I stay busy. If I'm always thinking about the next thing that has to be done, then I can't get sad. 

I finished cleaning, and now I'm studying, and I'm okay again, and I'm normal. And honestly, tomorrow will probably be the best day ever. :) It's a roller coaster, battling depression. Sometime I feel sad and unmotivated for no reason, and then deep hurts will start to surface, and that makes it ever harder to function. But, I know that it's okay. I don't mind struggling, I really don't. Because in the eternal scheme of things, Father just wants to help us grow! And he gave me this so I could be humble. And it DOES help me to say stay humble, so thanks be to God for that. :) 

 I hope this story helps you understand depression a little better, and I hope it helps you help yourself, or your family, or whoever you know that struggles. Thanks for listening. :)  - Alyssa :)