Lesson #2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
"Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance"
Marriage can be a funny thing. One day you can go from being absolutely in love to the next day being so frustrated with that same person that it's hard to think about anything else. I’m going to be honest, some days I have a hard time feeling fondness and admiration towards my husband, Jesse, and I don’t think I’m alone in that feeling. However, did you know that “fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance,” (pg. 63) according to Dr. John Gottman? Now don’t panic! If fondness and admiration is an area you feel like you struggle with, you can master it! And if you feel like you’re already doing well in this area, that’s GREAT! This lesson is all about how you can increase, maintain and enhance these positive feelings.
What exactly is fondness and admiration?
How often do you tell your spouse that you admire something about them? Do you often notice things but never point them out? In my marriage it's become somewhat of a game for me to give Jesse compliments because of the way he reacts to them. Let me explain. Whenever I give him a compliment, particularly when it comes to looks, he will make a weird face back at me while saying thanks to try to show he actually isn’t attractive. Because of this, it is one of my goals in life to be able to tell him he is handsome, sexy, attractive, adorable, fill in the blank, and then not to get an ugly expression in response to try to prove me wrong.
Sometimes though, sharing your admiration can be a little more complicated than just telling them they're cute. Admirable qualities can be hidden. For example, perhaps one spouse is very particular about having a clean house. The other partner can put this in a negative light and see their spouse as a clean freak and become frustrated. The best way to respond would be to appreciate them for their desire to take care of the home.
This couple shares how things they thought were a problem in their marriage were actually qualities in each other to be admired.
How often do you tell your spouse that you admire something about them? Do you often notice things but never point them out? In my marriage it's become somewhat of a game for me to give Jesse compliments because of the way he reacts to them. Let me explain. Whenever I give him a compliment, particularly when it comes to looks, he will make a weird face back at me while saying thanks to try to show he actually isn’t attractive. Because of this, it is one of my goals in life to be able to tell him he is handsome, sexy, attractive, adorable, fill in the blank, and then not to get an ugly expression in response to try to prove me wrong.
Sometimes though, sharing your admiration can be a little more complicated than just telling them they're cute. Admirable qualities can be hidden. For example, perhaps one spouse is very particular about having a clean house. The other partner can put this in a negative light and see their spouse as a clean freak and become frustrated. The best way to respond would be to appreciate them for their desire to take care of the home.
This couple shares how things they thought were a problem in their marriage were actually qualities in each other to be admired.
What does it look like in a marriage?
One of the best tests for whether a marriage still has functioning fondness and admiration is how they view their past. As people begin to have negative experiences and emotions related with their spouse, over time their memories will start to reflect those same negative feelings. Have you ever heard couples say that things have always been bad or they never really had that spark in their relationship? Or maybe you are this couple. Either way, almost one hundred percent of the time it is because the couple is letting their current struggles taint the wonderful memories of their early relationship. If their relationship had no spark in the beginning they most likely wouldn't have gotten married! There was at some point, something you admired about that person. There were feelings of fondness and admiration. All you have to do is remember them!
How do you develop and expand fondness and admiration?
Take A Trip Down Memory Lane
Have you ever started talking to your spouse about old times and find yourselves laughing and realizing how much you appreciate each other? This is a great way to expand your fondness and admiration. My husband and I fairly often reminisce about how we met and the time before getting married. We laugh about how I ended up crashing a movie night he was having with a guy friend of mine or how he “stalked me” by signing up for the same college class as me by looking over my shoulder. But the stories aren’t just about the funny moments. Within those stories I am reminded about how much I loved his smile the first time I saw him and how genuine he was. I think about how much we wanted to just be with each other and I smile at the lengths he would go through to make that happen.
“There’s nothing complicated about reviving or enhancing your fondness and admiration. Even positive feelings that have long been buried can be exhumed simply by thinking and talking about them" (Gottman, 1999, pg. 67).
Talking about your history helps to remind you what you admired or continue to admire about them and often brings back those feelings if you allow them. A word of caution though, make sure you don’t let these thoughts spiral into a “look at all the things they used to do for me” kind of mentality. This will only bring feelings of anger and end up with opposite results that you are working toward.
In fact, putting a positive spin on your history has such a big impact on your relationship that studies have been done on it. Dr. Gottman found that, “couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well [94 percent of the time]” (Gottman, 1999, pg. 64). He goes on to say, “When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help” (Gottman, 1999, pg. 64).
Build Rituals
All of us have rituals in our lives and particularly in our relationships. In fact, one study found that individuals who spent more time and energy on their family rituals reported higher relationship quality and closeness. One of the tricky things about rituals though is that they are hard to pin down and to start because they often come naturally. In his book, "Take Back Your Marriage," Doherty emphasizes three types of rituals: connection rituals, love rituals, and anniversaries or special occasions.
Connection Rituals
These rituals, as the name implies, are about connecting with your spouse. They can be anything from the way you greet each other when you get home or setting aside a specific time each day to talk, even for just 15 minutes. For example, Jesse and I take a minute or two when we get home to give each other a good hug. Even though we both work together and come home together it's a way for us to reconnect and be present before we continue on with our evening. Rituals have to be important to both of you though and should be tailored to suit your personalities. Doherty gave an example in his book about a couple who developed their ritual by watching golden retrievers. They admired how the dogs were always enthusiastic when they came home so they decided to greet each other at the end of the day with that same energy! The only criteria for these rituals is that they "must be repeated, coordinated, and significant to both of you."
Love Rituals
The main purpose of a love ritual is to say "I love you and you are special to me." This can be done by leaving notes or flowers, going on regular dates, and even having sex. But these too need to follow the three guidelines explained in the connection rituals: repeated, coordinated and significant to both of you. Going on a date isn't just going to a movie and then returning home, it's about connecting emotionally and really dating your spouse.
Anniversaries or Special Occasions
This final ritual type is fairly self explanatory so I won't go into too much detail. I'll just give you some ideas of where you can implement rituals in these settings. These rituals can be found in wedding anniversaries, Valentine's Day, and birthdays as well as other self-created special occasions. Just be aware that you'll often have to work out your expectations for what to do on these occasions. For example, when I moved out after high school I got used to making my own birthday cake and even began to enjoy it. When Jesse and I were engaged, his family was nearly appalled that I would bake my own cake and insisted on bringing me one. His families idea of what sorts of rituals made up a birthday were different than mine. Although this doesn't have to specifically do with marriage rituals between a couple, I hope you can still see how you might run into similar differences in your own marriages. Connection Rituals
These rituals, as the name implies, are about connecting with your spouse. They can be anything from the way you greet each other when you get home or setting aside a specific time each day to talk, even for just 15 minutes. For example, Jesse and I take a minute or two when we get home to give each other a good hug. Even though we both work together and come home together it's a way for us to reconnect and be present before we continue on with our evening. Rituals have to be important to both of you though and should be tailored to suit your personalities. Doherty gave an example in his book about a couple who developed their ritual by watching golden retrievers. They admired how the dogs were always enthusiastic when they came home so they decided to greet each other at the end of the day with that same energy! The only criteria for these rituals is that they "must be repeated, coordinated, and significant to both of you."
Love Rituals
The main purpose of a love ritual is to say "I love you and you are special to me." This can be done by leaving notes or flowers, going on regular dates, and even having sex. But these too need to follow the three guidelines explained in the connection rituals: repeated, coordinated and significant to both of you. Going on a date isn't just going to a movie and then returning home, it's about connecting emotionally and really dating your spouse.
Anniversaries or Special Occasions
And there you have it! You are now equipped with tools to cultivate your fondness and admiration for each other. But don't just let this be a read and move on kind of article. We challenge you to apply what you learned today! And to make it a little easier, we have two activities below for you to get started! Lastly, we want to hear from you! Did this post help you? How did the activities go? What rituals do you already have in your marriage? Let us know any of your thoughts in the comments below!
Also please take 60 seconds to give us your feedback! We would really appreciate it! Just follow this link!
Activities and Challenges
Fondness and Admiration Questionnaire: Mark True or False
- I can easily list the three things I most admire about my partner
- When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner
- I will often find some way to tell my partner "I love you."
- I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately
- My partner really respects me.
- I feel loved and cared for in this relationship.
- I feel accepted and liked by my partner.
- My partner finds me sexy and attractive.
- My partner turns me on sexually.
- There is fire and passion in this relationship.
- Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship.
- I am really proud of my partner.
- My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.
- I can easily tell you why I married my partner.
- If I had it all to do over again, I would marry the same person.
- We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection.
- When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.
- My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage.
- My spouse generally likes my personality.
- Our sex life is generally satisfying.
Scoring: Give yourself one point for each “true” answer.
10 or above: This is an area of strength for your marriage. Because you value each other highly, you have a shield that can protect your relationship from being overwhelmed by any negativity that also exists between you. Although it might seem obvious to you that people who are in love have a high regard for each other, it’s common for spouses to lose sight of some of their fondness and admiration over time. Remember that this fondness and admiration is a gift worth cherishing. Completing the exercises in this chapter from time to times will help you reaffirm your positive feelings for each other.
Below 10: Your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. Don’t be discouraged by a low score. There are many couples in whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings still lie deep below, you can vastly improve your marriage.
Seven Week Course in Fondness and Admiration
For those who are extra ambitious John Gottman, Ph.D., put together a 7-week challenge in using thoughts and tasks to help you think more positively about your spouse and in turn cultivate more fondness and admiration. These thoughts are to be said many times daily even if you don't feel that it describes your relationship at that moment. I would highly recommend doing this because just by putting this link together and typing up the thoughts, my positive feelings for Jesse went through the roof! To illustrate my point, I'm a cuddler, and by the time I finished this link I was all over Jesse. If this course could have this effect in just an hour, imagine the power it would have in your relationship in almost 2 months!
Click the link below:
For those who are extra ambitious John Gottman, Ph.D., put together a 7-week challenge in using thoughts and tasks to help you think more positively about your spouse and in turn cultivate more fondness and admiration. These thoughts are to be said many times daily even if you don't feel that it describes your relationship at that moment. I would highly recommend doing this because just by putting this link together and typing up the thoughts, my positive feelings for Jesse went through the roof! To illustrate my point, I'm a cuddler, and by the time I finished this link I was all over Jesse. If this course could have this effect in just an hour, imagine the power it would have in your relationship in almost 2 months!
Click the link below:
References
Doherty, W. (2013). Take back your marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
Crespo, C., Davide, I. N., Costa, M. E., & Fletcher, G. J. O. (2008). Family rituals in married couples: Links with attachment, relationship quality, and closeness. Personal Relationships, 15(2), 191-203
Gottman, J. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press
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