Lesson #5: Solving Solvable Problems & Overcoming Gridlock

What is Gridlock? 
Example from Gottman's Book

"You want children; she doesn't. She want's you to attend church with her; you're an atheist. He's a homebody; you're ready for a party every night." Gridlock comes into play when "partners [have differences like this and] can't find a way to accommodate their perpetual disagreements. There's no respect or agreement in either perspective and each views the other as selfish and digs deeper into their position."




How Do I Know if I'm Experiencing Gridlock 

You might be experiencing gridlock if you've come up against these four challenges...

1. "You keep having the same arguments over and over with no resolution.
2. You can't address the issue with humor empathy or affection.
3. The issue becomes more and more one sided.
4. Compromise seems impossible because you feel like you'd be giving up on core beliefs."

How to Overcome Gridlock 
Gridlock becomes a bigger issue when the little things aren't in place, like turning towards your spouse, nurturing fondness, and knowing your partners love map. If you attend to the knowing and nurturing FIRST you will be LESS LIKELY to encounter overwhelming and painful differences. Be preventative and AVOID gridlock by nurturing your marriage. If you do so "disagreements which would have once overwhelmed you will be more easily handled."

"You don't have to solve the problem, you just need to get to a point where you can discuss it in a respectful manner that doesn't hurt either party." 

Example from Alyssa 
Tyler and I were raised eating differently. They way I was taught, vegetables are your life line and everything else is a side dish. Tyler was raised with meat as his staple and vegetables as a side. 


I have the mentality that quality is better than quantity, so I will buy more expensive food that I know is good for me, whereas Tyler tends to find the most food for the best deal and then relies on his body to handle it. If I'm not careful with what I eat I can feel the negative effects very quickly. Tyler, on the other hand, has a stomach of steel and can eat anything. You can imagine how these two different backgrounds could bring about some fun dialogue when it comes to grocery shopping and budgeting. This difference could evolve into gridlock, but because we communicate our desires in a respectful manner we are able to outweigh gridlock with empathy and understanding. 

Interactive Activity 
This activity is taken from the Gottman Institute Blog and will help you address and soften your challenges with gridlock. 

1) Become a “Dream Detective,” and allow yourself to contemplate dreams you may have buried or ignored within the gridlocked issue. This will help you to understand the ways in which you feel that these wishes are not being addressed in your relationship.

2) Explain your position to your partner without criticism or blame. If it helps, write out such an explanation beforehand, focusing on what the two of you need or want out of the area of disagreement. Come to an understanding of the dreams that you and your mate have within the conflict, and dig deeper than the superficial issue to discover your feelings and hopes below the problem at hand. Suspend judgment. Relax. Give each other time, and do not attempt to solve the problem immediately. Ask questions!

3) Soothe each other. Gridlock is, by definition, stressful. If you feel like you are becoming flooded with emotion, or incapable of productive conversation, take a break either alone or with your partner. There’s no rush. According to Dr. Gottman’s research, “if your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute, you won’t be able to hear what your spouse is trying to tell you no matter how hard you try.”

4) Accept that some problems are unsolvable. Unfortunately, it is practically impossible to entirely resolve such a gridlocked conflict immediately. As per Dr. Gottman’s humorous observation, “your purpose is not to solve the conflict – it will probably never go away completely… instead the goal is to ‘declaw’ the issue, to try to remove the hurt so the problem stops being a source of great pain.” Here are a few steps that you can take to arrive at a temporary peace settlement in these treacherous lands:

• Define the minimal core areas that you cannot yield on.
• Define your areas of flexibility.
• Devise a temporary compromise that honors both of your dreams.

And remember sometimes it's not about the issue at hand, it's about the FEELINGS. ;) 

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References

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work : A Practical Guide From the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony.

Lisitsa, E. (2016, August 15). Weekend Homework Assignment: Overcoming Gridlocked Conflict. Retrieved March 28, 2018, from https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-overcoming-gridlocked-conflict/