Lesson #3: Turn TOWARDS Each Other, NOT Away!
What Does it Mean to Turn Towards My Partner?
"Will [you] read or listen to the news together or silently alone? Will [you] chat while [you] eat lunch? (Gotmann)" Will you view your outing to the grocery store as a fun adventure, or a drudgery? Will you do homework in separate rooms, or sit together?
SEPARATE? OR...
TOGETHER? <3
It's a little choice, that makes a BIG DIFFERENCE.
In fact, it's SO BIG, that not turning towards one another can lead to divorce.
The couples whom Gotmann observes in his love lab are FAR MORE LIKELY to divorce when these little moments of connection aren't present.
So choose togetherness. Fight for it. If you want to be close, do the LITTLE THINGS that keep you close. :)
How Do I Turn?
Let me share a personal example. Two Saturday's ago, Tyler and I were doing homework together. He decided to go upstairs so he could "get in the zone" and I stayed down stairs and studied on the couch. Four hours passed and we didn't see each other. Both of us ended up being LESS EFFECTIVE apart, because we were distracted and didn't have anyone to be accountable to with our screens. By the time I did see him I felt distanced from him because we'd been apart the only day of the week we could actually be together.
The next Saturday rolled around and again the opportunity came for us to split while studying. Remembering how empty I felt after not being around my sweetheart all day the previous week, I made a conscious effort for us to stay by each other the whole day. We ended up bonding a lot more, sharing jokes, and giving feedback on each other's homework. We were more effective and MUCH happier.
This little choice changed the course of our day and established a PATTERN in our marriage which will continue to impact us forever.
The Impact of Time on Families
In December 1990, the New York Times announced with evident relief: “Even in the Frenzy of the 90's, Dinner Time Is for the Family.” The following night 80% reported eating dinnertogether through a phone survey and many others emphasized how important family dinner was even though they hadn't eaten together. Nearly every person surveyed said that "eating dinner together provided a peaceful respite from the frenzy of their day." Without family dinner many said they would "no longer feel... [like]a family. “2 years later the times re-did the survey and found that those who reported eating together was a much greater amount than those who had ACTUALLY eaten together.” Meaning that “people tend to report more togetherness than is actually the case.”
In December 1990, the New York Times announced with evident relief: “Even in the Frenzy of the 90's, Dinner Time Is for the Family.” The following night 80% reported eating dinnertogether through a phone survey and many others emphasized how important family dinner was even though they hadn't eaten together. Nearly every person surveyed said that "eating dinner together provided a peaceful respite from the frenzy of their day." Without family dinner many said they would "no longer feel... [like]a family. “2 years later the times re-did the survey and found that those who reported eating together was a much greater amount than those who had ACTUALLY eaten together.” Meaning that “people tend to report more togetherness than is actually the case.”
But we all VALUE being together. Every person surveyed said that they either WANTED to or DID have family dinner, showing that people care about togetherness and being with the ones they love. Then why the big disconnect? Why did more people report being together than the accurate amount, and why do people SAY they value family time but then do other things?
I have a premonition: business, and distraction.
Back in 1990 and today in 2018 family time is an issue that prevails through the walls of our homes and out into the press. Back in the “1920s...Middletown fathers lamented: “It’s getting so that a
fellow has to make a date with his family to see them.”" That complaint is still echoed today by members of the family all over the world. “In a recent study,
lack of time was reported to be the biggest perceived threat to American
families.” And indeed, it is a threat. If we stop spending time the people that mean the most to us, the people that mean the most to us will stop occupying our time and we will be left with a legacy of long hours, short nights, and countless days spent in front of a computer with little or nothing to show of a true legacy.
“With time we create and shape the world we live in”
~Jeremy Rifkin
Turning With Your Little Bits of Time
Yes my friends, family time is something we’ve been battling for, for a LONG time. Are you surprised? I am, a little. But I think the reason we KEEP fighting for it is because it’s something that’s IMPORTANT to us. Something that our families really can’t live without.
Think about some of your closest friendships…how did you
become so close? Did you spend TIME together? Perhaps talking on the phone,
skyping, doing activities together, texting? EACH of these medians uses
TIME. We all have it. There's 24 hours in a day. We need to use many of
those hours on our spouse. To say "I don't have time," is really to
say, "I choose to use my time differently."
Let me point your eyes to this... “One's own marital
satisfaction is a sizable and significant correlate of life satisfaction and
momentary happiness" (Carr, 2014).
Marriage impacts our happiness. The better our marriage is,
the happier we are. We know from Gottman that the MORE TIME we spend turning
towards each other, the stronger our marriage becomes.
So, here’s the formula: turning to spouse + spending time=
happier life
Simple, right?
And then to go even further, LETTING YOUR SPOUSE KNOW how
happy you ARE with them brings an even happier life!
“the association between husband's marital quality and life
satisfaction is buoyed when his wife also reports a happy marriage yet
flattened when his wife reports low marital quality" (Carr).
Your happiness IMPACTS your partner.
So, here’s our second formula…
Your happiness + telling spouse you're happy=happier spouse
And the loop goes on. Happy spouse, happy you; happy you,
happy spouse.
Let’s empower this concept for you just a little more…
“The protective effects of marriage for physical and
emotional well-being are widely documented. However, recent research shows that
these effects are conditional upon the quality of the marriage; problematic
marriages take an emotional toll, whereas high-quality marriages provide
benefits, especially for women" (Carr).
Again, good marriage=good life.
So you get it, you get it. You’re probably thinking,
“alright, alright, I turn towards my spouse, we spend time together, well both
be happier. So what? I already try to do that” or maybe “I’ve tried that and
it’s not working”
Don’t worry! I know! It’s HARD to make changes. But you CAN
do it.
Let me give you an action plan…
These are the areas I want to improve in with my spouse
(choose those which apply to you)
Doing menial tasks in the same room
Eating our
meals at the same time
Brushing our
teeth together
Going to bed at the same time
Being more
responsive and attentive when my spouse is sharing things about their life
Going on more
dates together
Relying on
them more
Serving them
more
WHATEVER it is, think of spots in your life where you can
TURN MORE, and then make a little goal for yourself and do it! 😊
"Couples who engage in these types of interactions tend
to remain happy...they're connecting by turning towards each other...they're building trust." -Gottman
References
American Families Past and Present. (n.d.). Retrieved March 27, 2018, from https://books.google.com/books?id=mdwKkufXmMwC&pg=PA133&lpg=PA133&dq=lack of time was reported to be the biggest perceived threat to American families.”&source=b
Carr, D., Freedman, V. A., Cornman, J. C., & Schwarz, N.
(2014, September 02). Happy Marriage, Happy Life? Marital Quality and
Subjective Well‐being in Later Life. Retrieved March 27, 2018, from
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jomf.12133
Kleiman, D. (1990, December 05). In a Time of Too Little
Time, Dinner Is the Time for Family. Retrieved March 27, 2018, from
https://www.nytimes.com/1990/12/05/garden/in-a-time-of-too-little-time-dinner-is-the-time-for-family.html
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